My heart is breaking.
Watching the scenes unfold. Families grieving.
And what is usually a magnificent scene of grandeur; the Alps.
Now a place of great tragedy. And loss. For so many.
A downed plane.
And this one so senseless it seems.
As the news continues to unfold.
And we cry out.
Why?
From the depths of despair.
For ourselves. For others.
Because we all fear. That loss of control.
The merry of life soon shifting in one shocking moment.
To despair.
And place blame. On someone.
And ultimately. Perhaps God. So often a scapegoat.
Because the mysteries threaten to bury us.
So much we cannot understand.
But this I know.
He is not to blame.
It is Holy God.
Doing the rescuing.
Having hung on the tree.
And our hearts will never rest until they rest in Him.
And though the mysteries swirl.
And planes fall out of the sky.
We can live secure.
In His unfathomable love.
A gift indescribable. Shocking even.
That Holy God would love us flawed.
In our broken. And crying out.
Suffering amid the beauty He created.
But He. Restoring every day.
Despite the pain. We sometimes experience.
Promising never to leave or forsake us.
A love beyond figuring out.
And that is why.
We rejoice even when our heart is breaking.
Could hardly wait.
Heart bursting in anticipation.
Spring arriving.
With blithe and merry.
Taunting us.
Tiptoeing in. Teasing.
Hiding behind the curtain.
Some days.
And on others the glorious warm.
Rising with the dawn.
Filling the day.
With sun-in-the-face happy.
Just to be alive.
Winter grays thawing into color.
From landscape frozen.
Relaxing shoulders.
Unburdening winter worry.
Pinning hope.
On the lonely winter sculptures
reaching skyward now filling in.
With green. And color lush.
Scribbled all over the landscape.
Like a madman with a paintbrush.
Forgetting to put away.
His paint.
And I am giddy. And laugh happy.
Because serenity comes.
In the beautiful of change.
And acceptance.
Of seasons ebbing and flowing.
With the difficult. And in the joy.
Of life.
It's a new season coming alive as I throw open the windows and shake loose the stale from having had the flu. Fluffing clean sheets and creating a new space of fresh and clean. Breathing deeply of spring air. Suddenly gone a season of snow and cold. And being unwell beneath the covers.
Padding around today in my socks and slippers subsisting on warm applesauce; the landscape beginning to change.
And I welcome it. I love the seasons. I love change.
Or at least I think I do.
Until change morphs into something ugly or scary. And I want to run away. Or hide.
Because it has been a paradigm shift for me this year. Dealing with change. And to be honest. I want normal back. Some days.
To run again. And go to the gym. And be with old friends. Surrounded by people who know me well. And life full of the familiar.
But here I am in the uncomfortable. Of not knowing. And having to decide. Moving forward into new things. A change in perception even.
But this I am learning. Change never stops. And sometimes it's just not as pretty as the seasons. We have to battle. But I am learning to fight better.
So this morning I was delighted to preview Shauna's new book. It's release day for Savor; her fourth. In one line that quickly grabbed my attention, she wrote of herself and others "plunging ahead full of fear and vulnerability".
How it resonated in my life. We are not alone in our struggles.
And fear does not preclude our doing things.
Shauna has just returned from a trip to Israel and will have many good stories to share on her blog. Looking forward to it. But we all have a story.
And mine is that of an empty nester loving photography and all things written and my man and our children. Coming home to a house full of cozy warm where I can cocoon with the flu and, on other days, throw open my doors and welcome joyfully around our table.
But that is not all. Struggles too.
And through my life and a blog. Sharing them. To encourage.
And so I push publish even when I cringe.
And I am recently choosing a new adventure.
Because when the paradigm shifts we can choose to embrace it.
Plunging ahead in the fear and the vulnerability.
And really. That's the only way to live life.
Don't you think.
I try too hard.
And want too much.
Or not enough.
And live seeking.
And it is God only.
Filling the empty places.
Calming my anxious heart.
This I know.
Though I don't often live it.
And.
Having to be reminded.
Because of what I do.
And that is.
Making Him into something.
He is not.
A formula for success.
Or happiness.
Or to fulfill my own agenda.
Forgetting.
That I am full of.
Desperate attempts.
Going nowhere
And it is grace.
All the time.
Covering my lack.
My endless flaws.
Sin in me.
Clamoring loudly.
And rearing up ugly.
For attention.
And I find.
Over and over.
In order to see Truth.
And to live free.
Must remember.
God rules this world.
Not me.
And He always.
Welcoming.
Forgiving.
Extending grace.
Redeeming everything.
Because.
Such an exorbitant price paid.
