I doubt seriously

 

Left to my own devices.

Would I ever choose God?

A somber question.
And I fear the answer.

Because I would choose. 
Me.
And I do.  A lot.

I want God to fit into.
My formula for life.
To fix me.
And to fix the world.

And yet.
The harder I try.
The more I sink.
Into failure.

Take nutrition.
Being told to count everything.
And keep a record.
Making better choices.
Bending low over it for a full day.
Table full. Books and lists.
Pencil scribbling. 

And what I learn.
Quite shocking.
All the foods we consume.
Just because.
Tasting so good.

And I resolve.
Eat healthier. 
A lot healthier.

And then.
A day or two later.

Despondent.  Ready to quit.

You only live once.
And I like what I like.

And my man says to me.
May I introduce you to.

Moderation.

Well.
Hasn't worked yet.

I don't know.
I just can't.
Most of the time.

It's not good and I'm not sweet.
Or beautiful or successful.
Or virtuous.

More like guilty.

For eating junk.
And trying too hard at some things.
Not enough at others.

And I don't.

Deserve grace.

That's why it's so radical.

Because.
I doubt seriously.

I will ever learn moderation.

Or choose correctly.

Left to my own devices.