Friday, April 26, 2013

New Signposts

Honesty is terrifying. 
Why be vulnerable, why take off the mask?
On my list of things that scare.

Covering up.  Pretending.  A being polite; seeing the ugly but not daring to speak.

And the ugly?  Railing against God and wondering the whys.  Expecting more and longing for too much.  Never enough.  Always falling short.

Isn't grace just a nice word for covering up things we would rather not see?

Even on a really good day, is there not at least one deeply disappointing thing? 
And others ask, "Really?"  Such ingratitude. 

Honest, heart-wrenching regret.

Railing gets me nowhere.  Masks fail to impress.  Striving falls short.  Always.

So, why be honest?  Why the risk?

Wouldn't that just be beyond the pale - embarrassment, shame; scandal even.

But I am finding nothing else works.

Two roads.  Despair or grace. 

I choose grace.  

Though, having to admit, sometimes painful.  Even now.  In my brokenness.  Not to rule my world, not to have things as I wish.  Scrambling constantly after happy.  Pulling strings, hitting the right notes, reading the books and engaging the friends.  I see myself in the honesty.  But I stay on the road.

And through the journey, every day; new mercies and hope for a broken heart.

Aaaah.  The striving is diminished and in it's place; rest. 

The opportunity to be real and vulnerable and honest.  Only achieved through unconditional love by the Giver of grace.  Accepting His gift.  Nothing to do but accept. And I have to be reminded every day.  To stay on the road.

The signposts point to intimacy with God.

The answer. 

That's why the worship.

Empty to full.  Darkness to light. 

Freeing and powerful.  The bending of the knee in gratitude.

And then, slowly, over time it occurs to me.  To take off the mask.  To offer to others what I have received.  To be honest.  Risking rejection.  Authenticity; the only path to genuine bonding.

The honesty not quite so scary. 

Freedom to offer vulnerability in relationship because it heals and overcomes the striving and the perfectionism and the not measuring up.  Because we can't. That's why the grace and that's why the worship. 

Not only to be honest in relationship with others but also with ourselves; okay to have feelings and needs and to be imperfect, to be free to be spontaneous, to make responsible choices; all ingredients of any good relationship.  Freedom to fulfill our longings in fully loving and being loved, to pursue whimsy and in helping others get beyond their brokenness.  Staying on the road.  With God.

Masks hinder. 
Taking it off my fear list.  More afraid now of wearing it.

Looking for the signposts for whimsy and freedom, celebration and honesty, broken parts getting healed; all funny little names but worth the ride.

1 comment:

  1. Linda, this post is beautiful. It was as honest, as vulnerable, as graceful as one can hope to be in writing. Thank you. "I choose grace" too.

    So happy you started this blog :)